No Apologies

May 31, 2016 — Leave a comment

I don’t want to start this post by apologizing for being MIA but obviously I do.  But really who am I apologizing to?  Myself – that is the only one it affects right now.  I’ve spent hours analyzing why I do what I do/don’t.  But I was thinking today – I don’t want to be on my death bed (the cliche example) and say I wish I have worked harder at things. I can say that I know I don’t work hard enough at the things I say I want.  Specially standup right now is my main focus.  I need to write everyday even if it’s 30 minutes and I need to practice what I plan to do at a mic.  I go up a lot with the idea and hope I’ll find my way.  “And how is that working for you?” you ask.  Not great – I can do a lot better.  Prepare and produce.  Not hold back.  And if nothing else just move on to the next task.  I spend way too much time analyzing and that can be a avoidance too of taking action.  Understanding my behavior is all well and good.  But do something with the answers or don’t bother analyzing.


I’ve been in complete resistance of going on Match dot com for the last 3 years.  The reason now for joining it is because I’ve become too good at being single.  I have come close to perfecting it.

I need to venture out into that scary world again.  To feel something and to have that knock me off my feet a little.  Whether the knock is good or bad it’s movement of some sort.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason I’ve stayed out of the “dating” world is because I like to feel in control of my life.  Especially of my emotions and disappointments.  But I need to get back into the place that scares me the most.  Opening up to someone and risking being hurt or more importantly risking being loved again.

I keep writing in my journal that I don’t know how to make a relationship happen.  But that is bullshit since I know that to have anything change in this area means that I have to put out some energy that tells the Universe that I am open for this opportunity.

So Universe I’m open for business.


January 11, 2016 — Leave a comment

Where Am I Today?

January 4, 2016 — Leave a comment

OK – just like a billion people now – since it’s the beginning of a New Year – I’m back writing on my blog.  I hate the idea of it being a resolution since the pressure is too much so I’ll think of it as a re-commitment to myself.  I just don’t want to let myself down again this year.   I don’t mean that to be as negative as it could be interpreted but I let myself off the hook way too much.  The effort I put into things is minimal a lot of the time.  I have gotten away with less work and still come out with OK looking results in life.  But this is it.  Life is ticking away – I don’t have the luxury of fantasizing of when I’ll do this or that anymore.  I’m on the second half of my life and as hard as that is to stomach or believe that is what it and where I am today.

My goal with getting back on this blog is to write something weekly.   Not for anyone but me.  I write in a journal almost everyday but I need to push my words out a little more.  Well the stuff that I’m OK with if someone finds this and reads it.

So let’s do this.

I have some deep need to always comment on myself out loud.  “Deep” might be too dramatic of a word but let’s say it’s an obsession that flares up from time to time.  Especially when I’m doing my stand up and I start to feel insecure.  Or when I’m going to eat another piece of cake and I need to let all the people around me know I know I’m doing it and it’s not some unconsciously eating problem.

When a joke bombs I comment because I feel the need to let the audience know – ‘I know that joke wasn’t funny –  I’m with you.”  I want them to know that I”m smart enough to know a good joke from a bad one and that I’m not delusional. But I’m still funny.   When it’s a piece of cake I think it’s similar.  Since I’m basically saying ‘I know that most people can stop with one piece of cake or none and I’m self aware enough to know that ‘I don’t need a 2nd piece of cake but I’m choosing to have one and I’m not ashamed to admit it.’

This whole thing can be boiled down to don’t bother to judge me because I have all the judgement handled.

A lot of you may know about Kid President but if you don’t – you’re going to fall in love with him.  Robby Novak is Kid President.  He is an amazing bundle of energy, love and inspiration.  Robby suffers from “brittle bone disease” so his bones break easily.  I can’t imagine living with that as a child.  But that is just what makes him all that more inspiring.  Here’s the first video I saw that introduced me to Kid President.  Pretty Awesome!

I used to love the idea of New Year Resolutions. It was a time to imagine all the good things I would be doing for myself and how awesome I would look or be by the end of the year.  I can’t think of any resolutions I actually achieved.  So that is why this year I’m working on only ONE resolution for the year which is – after each comedy open mic or show I’m going to make myself listen to my recorded set by the next day.

It’s super hard to listen to an open mic set.  The idea is to work on new material or tighten up older material.  New material brings lots of chances to bomb.  Although bombing is what you should do.  Or at the very least – not be afraid to bomb.  A lot easier said then done.  I have yet to learn to bomb gracefully.   I know I need a thicker skin – I’ve heard that all my life.  Although I like to think I have developed a tougher attitude – kind of.