I can’t sleep and instead of hiding my thoughts in my journal I want to put them down here so I have to see them.
I want tomorrow to be here now. In a way I feel like a little kid that is looking forward to something at school the next day. But nothing is happening tomorrow for me to feel excited about. Except maybe a chance to take some control of the disarray I’m feeling in my life. I want to fix it now.
My impatience has wrapped itself around so many parts of my life. I’m looking for work in video production (which is where I had been working before) with not a lot of luck so far. I’ve been freelancing the last 3 years so I’ve been out of the “workforce.” This was by choice. I’ve accrued a little debt after being debt free for so long and I need to take care of that. I need some stability in my life. But I want it now. I’ve only just started my job search in the last 2 weeks so what am I thinking? Magic that’s what I want. And I want it now.
I’ve been meditating daily and I sit up to 25 minutes. I honestly think 15 of it is trying to settle my brain so I can attempt to wash my thoughts clean. I don’t know if I’m feeling any effects from the meditation – I want to feel something now. I finally did 3 good fast walks this week instead of inconsistent exercise. I want my scale to show the clean eating & exercising I’ve been doing – now.
Wanting everything NOW doesn’t make it happen. It probably in fact pushes it away. I see my impatience as almost a form of self sabotage. And it hurts. It makes my stomach tighten and my thoughts go in circles. Why am I writing this? I don’t know. Maybe I won’t even publish this post. Maybe this is me trying to “out” myself in some way. Once you see something you say something. Exposing that which can be destructive. Because then you have a chance to do things another way. Even if I don’t know the way right now.
I wrote this post a month ago and “forgot” to post.
Hello there my friends. What a weekend this was in Las Vegas at the Arbonne GTC 2017! I’ve been an Arbonne Consultant for almost a year now – although I’ve been a very inconsistent one. But I wasn’t ready to quit and not going to GTC would be quitting.
There was a lot of learning and processing of information going on. Events like these can shine a light on things that are limiting your life. For me it’s my constant over thinking of things. Letting fear make decisions for me. Just something little like that. John O’Leary who wrote “On Fire” spoke at this event. He is an incredible speaker with an incredible story. I won’t go into it here – just look it up and read the book. He makes you look at yourself up close in a massive way – at least for me. My take-away – “I don’t want to leave this world without one bit of potential left in me”.
I don’t want to start this post by apologizing for being MIA but obviously I do. But really who am I apologizing to? Myself – that is the only one it affects right now. I’ve spent hours analyzing why I do what I do/don’t. But I was thinking today – I don’t want to be on my death bed (the cliche example) and say I wish I have worked harder at things. I can say that I know I don’t work hard enough at the things I say I want. Specially standup right now is my main focus. I need to write everyday even if it’s 30 minutes and I need to practice what I plan to do at a mic. I go up a lot with the idea and hope I’ll find my way. “And how is that working for you?” you ask. Not great – I can do a lot better. Prepare and produce. Not hold back. And if nothing else just move on to the next task. I spend way too much time analyzing and that can be a avoidance too of taking action. Understanding my behavior is all well and good. But do something with the answers or don’t bother analyzing.
I’ve been in complete resistance of going on Match dot com for the last 3 years. The reason now for joining it is because I’ve become too good at being single. I have come close to perfecting it.
I need to venture out into that scary world again. To feel something and to have that knock me off my feet a little. Whether the knock is good or bad it’s movement of some sort. I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason I’ve stayed out of the “dating” world is because I like to feel in control of my life. Especially of my emotions and disappointments. But I need to get back into the place that scares me the most. Opening up to someone and risking being hurt or more importantly risking being loved again.
I keep writing in my journal that I don’t know how to make a relationship happen. But that is bullshit since I know that to have anything change in this area means that I have to put out some energy that tells the Universe that I am open for this opportunity.
So Universe I’m open for business.
OK – just like a billion people now – since it’s the beginning of a New Year – I’m back writing on my blog. I hate the idea of it being a resolution since the pressure is too much so I’ll think of it as a re-commitment to myself. I just don’t want to let myself down again this year. I don’t mean that to be as negative as it could be interpreted but I let myself off the hook way too much. The effort I put into things is minimal a lot of the time. I have gotten away with less work and still come out with OK looking results in life. But this is it. Life is ticking away – I don’t have the luxury of fantasizing of when I’ll do this or that anymore. I’m on the second half of my life and as hard as that is to stomach or believe that is what it and where I am today.
My goal with getting back on this blog is to write something weekly. Not for anyone but me. I write in a journal almost everyday but I need to push my words out a little more. Well the stuff that I’m OK with if someone finds this and reads it.
So let’s do this.