Archives For Real Moments

I See Something

June 12, 2017 — Leave a comment

I can’t sleep and instead of hiding my thoughts in my journal I want to put them down here so I have to see them.

I want tomorrow to be here now.  In a way I feel like a little kid that is looking forward to something at school the next day.  But nothing is happening tomorrow for me to feel excited about.   Except maybe a chance to take some control of the disarray I’m feeling in my life.  I want to fix it now.

My impatience has wrapped itself around so many parts of my life.  I’m looking for work in video production (which is where I had been working before) with not a lot of luck so far.  I’ve been freelancing the last 3 years so I’ve been out of the “workforce.”   This was by choice.   I’ve accrued a little debt after being debt free for so long and I need to take care of that.  I need some stability in my life.  But I want it now.  I’ve only just started my job search in the last 2 weeks so what am I thinking?  Magic that’s what I want.  And I want it now.

I’ve been meditating daily and I sit up to 25 minutes.  I honestly think 15 of it is trying to settle my brain so I can attempt to wash my thoughts clean.  I don’t know if I’m feeling any effects from the meditation – I want to feel something now.  I finally did 3 good fast walks this week instead of inconsistent exercise.  I want my scale to show the clean eating & exercising I’ve been doing – now.

Wanting everything NOW doesn’t make it happen.  It probably in fact pushes it away.  I see my impatience as almost a form of self sabotage.  And it hurts.  It makes my stomach tighten and my thoughts go in circles.   Why am I writing this?  I don’t know.  Maybe I won’t even publish this post.  Maybe this is me trying to “out” myself in some way.   Once you see something you say something.  Exposing that which can be destructive. Because then you have a chance to do things another way.  Even if I don’t know the way right now.

I have some deep need to always comment on myself out loud.  “Deep” might be too dramatic of a word but let’s say it’s an obsession that flares up from time to time.  Especially when I’m doing my stand up and I start to feel insecure.  Or when I’m going to eat another piece of cake and I need to let all the people around me know I know I’m doing it and it’s not some unconsciously eating problem.

When a joke bombs I comment because I feel the need to let the audience know – ‘I know that joke wasn’t funny –  I’m with you.”  I want them to know that I”m smart enough to know a good joke from a bad one and that I’m not delusional. But I’m still funny.   When it’s a piece of cake I think it’s similar.  Since I’m basically saying ‘I know that most people can stop with one piece of cake or none and I’m self aware enough to know that ‘I don’t need a 2nd piece of cake but I’m choosing to have one and I’m not ashamed to admit it.’

This whole thing can be boiled down to don’t bother to judge me because I have all the judgement handled.